How to start a conversation nobody wants to start.

Why it feels so hard

Nobody wants to sound morbid. Parents often don’t want to be a burden, and grown children don’t want to seem like they are counting days. The truth is simpler: families often tell me they wish they had talked sooner, while everyone could still say what they wanted.

Three ways to open the door

1. Start with yourself. “I’ve been writing down my own wishes so you and my kids don’t have to guess. Would you tell me yours?”
2. Start with the family. “I never want us scrambling or disagreeing in a hard week. Could we spend ten minutes writing down what you’d want?”
3. Start with one small page. “Let’s fill out just the first page together over coffee. We can stop whenever you like.”

What to write down first

Don’t try to settle everything. Begin with burial or cremation, the kind of service, the music and readings, and who should be told first. The checklist shows what to gather, and the wishes planner lets you type it in together and print it.

Bring in the rest of the family

The conversation goes best when the people who will help decide are included, brothers and sisters especially. Everyone hearing the same words at the same time prevents a lot of hurt later.

If they say no, or not yet

That is all right. Leave the checklist where they can find it, tell them the door is open, and try again in a few weeks. Some parents find it easier to talk with a neutral third person than with their own children. If that would help, Duane is glad to join the conversation by phone or video.